The Confessions of St. Augustine for the new millenium. A Christian's struggles with bi-sexuality, loneliness and other demons from his past.
On the Connection Between Homosexuality and Autoeroticism
Published on June 2, 2004 By thorninmyflesh In Sex & Romance
Ricky Martin is nowhere to be found. The star quality of William Hung shines so bright amidst his spastic gyrations and horrendous singing in his rendition of She Bangs, effective relegating Ricky to the pit of obscurity.

However, before the myth of Ricky Martin fades away, I intend to resurrect this trifling little issue on his sexuality.

It is not my intent to make a 'is he, is he not' kind of prognosis. Instead, I will work from the premise that he is indeed gay and that the rumours of him chilling out with other pretty boys in the LA clubbing scene are true,, and from there springboard into an analysis on why he is.

So here's the big question - why is Ricky Martin, who is amazingly good looking and is able to get any form of buxom beauty he wants, prefer other boys?

Of course, besides the obvious response of biological conditioning, I want to go beneath and go on a little psychoanalytic tour of his pervy little brain and mine, because it is my hypothesis we do share the same issues.

My homosexual desires are purely sexual. There are no spiritual and emotional yearning in my desires for men. However on the flip side, my infatuation with the female species is never purely physical, instead mired with a need for spiritual and emotional intimacy as well. And then there's the intrusion of a third party - me, in all my narcissistic glory.

I love me. I love the way that every time I glance at the mirror, I look prettier then the girl I'm going out with at that time. I love to colour-coordinate my couture. I love to be body beautiful. I love to be the object of someone's sweaty masturbatory fantasy.

As a result, I hardly check out chicks simple because I don't find them attractive enough, that they don't deserve me. I rather make love to my mirror. Perhaps, that is Ricky's issue as well, too caught up in his good looks for his own good.

How do you resolve this erotic tension in the lust for self? Autoeroticism is impratical. Masturbation isn't autoerotic because it is basically fucking air, the orgasm resulting in tissue use rather than anything remotely resembling culmination of desire.

The answer perhaps lie in the way my bi-sexuality operates - in the case of women, it is a level playing field in terms of attraction. In the case of men however, the guys whom I would consider fucking are very specific. They must be good looking hypermasculine muscular hunks - products of a projection of my idealised self.

That is who I want to be, as I pump iron in the gym and watch my diet. By fucking them I am appropriating their beauty for myself, that in the union of two heaving bodies that Adonis will be manifested. In the same manner, Ricky has good times with his boy toys because they are all reflection of himself, and vice versa, that in their mutual orgasms some form of satiation will be realised.

The Adonis Orgasm - the one thing connecting Ricky and me.

on Jun 03, 2004

Honest, very honest and so I tip my hat to you sir. But I'm curious, does this devotion to yourself come out infront of other people, and if so, how do you deal with that - or has your article just let us into a little secret? More importantly, do you think your'e any more or less in love with yourself than the rest of the world is - aren't we all guilty of the same crime to some degree?
on Jun 03, 2004
Well, this devotion does manifest itself in front of other people, simple portayed by the way I dressed. You see, when one has a red mohawk and really flashy dress sense, that the tendency is for that person's intention not to blend in with the surrounding. As a result, even the public transport people remember me. As for still having friends in the first place, well, I'm a funny guy and nice to be around, and I did tone down the self-absorbedness from manifesting in my everyday conversations. But yea, the avenue is my fashion sense.

Well, it is human nature to love oneself, but it can be taken too far. In my case, it is taken to the level of well, autoeroticism, the need to screw other man who are mirror images of my beauty. And well, I'm not the only people facing such issues, so yea, ain't exclusive in that respect. May not be the sole cause of homosexuality, but it is one of the factors I believe.
on Jun 03, 2004
Aesthetically, I've been pretty much a no-issue-zone all my life (apart from a love/hate relationship with my breasts?!) - and I thank god for this, particularly as I seem to develop a new neurosis in other parts of my life as a matter of course. But, what you've written has put me in mind of a friend of mine, he can't sleep with anyone better looking than himself. They've got to be older or uglier than him or else his self hate flares up, which i was surprised by, as these insecurities about the way he looked were hidden from me for years. Added to which, he's a f~cking babe anyway. Do you think there's any parallels between the two of you - opposites sides of the same coin maybe?
on Jun 03, 2004
Hmmm... I think what I have is some wierd form of bisexual schizophrenia. When it comes to the female species, the attraction is never purely sexual. There are always elements of emotional and spiritual connection that rounds the person up and makes them attractive. This is probably a good thing, because in terms of pure looks, not many girls turn my head.

On the hand for men my desires are purely sexual, which in turn is derived from their aesthetic beauty. No deeper form of connection besides animalistic wants. A man is nothing more then a fuck toy, so if it were worth my body, they have to be excessively good looking.

So there you go, perfect gentleman on one hand, and sex maniac on the other.

As for the parallels, maybe we do have the same issues, just different aspirations. He aspires to be beautiful by preservation. I aspire to be beautiful by appropriation. So yea, you may be right in saying we are flip sides of a coin.
on Jun 03, 2004

Very interesting.  I mean VERY interesting.  Whilst I was first reading it I thought "NARCISSISM" ...but then I read some more and I don't think that's quite it.

I have always wondered about the mind-set within a bisexual male...and you have given me a little insight into that. Thanks.