Prelude to Purgatory

An Introduction to Broken Beauty

Published on June 1, 2004 By thorninmyflesh In Welcome

I am a sinner. These are my confessions.

I look back at my past, to ponder on why I am who I am today. My frailty is astounding, as minor issues revertebrating across eternity - spying on my maid taking her bath, being the smelly kid in school, becoming the object of inexperienced parental errors in lieu of being firstborn - its impact increasing with the momentum of time. Force upon force. Tenacity upon tenacity.

And upon collision at some later date, I shatter into smithereens. My shards usually remain scattered on the floor for long moment as I'm bound by self-pity and disgrace. Eventually, I will pick myself up and try to piece myself together again, like a Humpy Dumpty that never was quite sitting pretty on the wall in the first place.

I become some twisted form of postmodernist sculpture. The totalising of a daintily crafted China being rejected in favour of deconstruction by destruction, restored with haste and randomness to form some mangled vase. It leaks and looks like the remnants of a rape victim, it is indeed a broken vessel. And it is beautiful in its grotesqueness. I look at myself in the mirror, and I am mesmerised.

Utter comeliness. Sheer loveliness.

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

Having said all that, I know it is God that had a hand in my life all this while. It is He who has watched my step ever since I learned to stumble. It is He who has my ultimate salvation in His hands.

But for now, as I discovered that I have the overwhelming urge to have sex with men, I am in a purgatory of my own making. It is my own prison, the walls erected by my own hands. I can feel the flames of Hell. However, I know it is for the sake of refining, for a purity that can only be created by going through the fire seven times over.

And so lies the underlying reason for creating this blog - a literary exorcising of my demons that have long remained hidden. I have been running away so long, and being in a state of numb indifference was my usual response. Not anymore however, because time is short, and with these struggles coming to the fore, I am now virgilant. Though painful these things are precious, and I would like to archive them, to record them that when looking back my God's name will be glorified.

Broken Beauty. My God is the ultimate postmodern artist.

Andy Warhol, you do not hold a candle to Him.

Comments

apollyon exterminans

on Jun 04, 2004

Well damn. How interesting to discover someone else who knows that God can be ugly - even if you don't quite come out and say that.

But for now, as I discovered that I have the overwhelming urge to have sex with men, I am in a purgatory of my own making. It is my own prison, the walls erected by my own hands. I can feel the flames of Hell. However, I know it is for the sake of refining, for a purity that can only be created by going through the fire seven times over.

Ginnnnn. It's only a purgatory so long as it satisfies you to have it be so. From another view point (which I point out to you in my reply to your 'On my knees - sucking cock or seeking God' article) it's as much a road to knowing God as is the path of self-denial followed by any hollow cheeked, mad-eyed ascetic.

And as far as creating broken beauty goes, I agree that Andy (or Pablo for that matter) doesn't hold a candle up to the God who created both light and darkness.

Guilt is only a problem if you think it makes you important to God. It's my personal opinion that 'guilt' is only one more emotional riff that God chooses to dance to, and it's his pleasure in the dance that makes it important to him, not its putative status as a statement about the current condition of one's soul. Stop feeling guilty and God will, I feel sure, dance just as happily to the tune of your new-found freedom. And incidentally, guilt is a choice. You are a creature founded upon free-will, yes. If your will is free, and you find yourself experiencing something (especially if it's an experience that occurs and re-occurs over a long period) it can only be that you have repeatedly chosen to exercise your free will in that way - in order to have that experience. Just because you don't 'want' to feel guilt doesn't mean that at a more fundamental level of your psyche you aren't choosing to feel it.

Search for and discover what it is that guilt satisfies in you and, if that something proves to be a deception in your life, dispense with it. Having done so you'll discover that the guilt vanishes with it since guilt is a symptom and not a cause in its own right.

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