Being a Fundamentalist Christian Trapped in a Bisexual Body
It is not easy wanting to hump cute men, while at the same time having religious principles that tell you whatever you're doing is abhorent. What exarcebates the situation, is the fact that I'm far from being a nominal Christian, I have preached in church and served in the ministry all this time.
I do believe homosexuality is wrong, even though refusing to embrace it seems to be a betrayal of my natural instincts. It is frustrating to know I can never be part of the GLBT community as a whole, simply because for me it is so wrong. Furthermore, being bisexual does exclude me from some aspects of the gay community as well, who abhors the idea of me liking women at all. Since I believe the brand of Christianity is not all that popular in this materialistic society of Self, I am now a minority of a minority of a minority.
So yes, my situation is painted pretty clearly - I am a bisexual who's warring against the homosexual side of me. The query of why I subscribe to xenophobic outmoded religious dogma instead of giving in to my desires is a fairly legitimate one. After all, why torture yourself needlessly when all is demanded is to be free from the shackles of religion? But this is my take on the whole issue.
For me, Christianity works, and outwardly I shouldn't even be thinking that way. Being bi is of course the most obvious one. However, the fact that I am an intellectual and a writer does make it seem strange that I'm embracing a faith that so readily condemns alternative sexualities and even freedom of expression. Yet, I do know that even though the messangers of God condemn, God himself is not so readily condemning, and instead He is good.
In all my sexual brokenness, He is perhaps the only thing I can hold on to, the only thing i can make sense of when my imperfect impoverished mind fail to comprehend whatever the hell is happening to both my body and soul. And furthermore, being in the ministry and serving people opens my eyes to what living life really is.
There is much greater joy in someone saying "thanks dude, for changing my life by your prayers", rather than "wow, you were awesome in bed dude!"
After tasting the goodness of God and the rewards that the fruit of ministry bring into the lives of other broken people, the allure of gay sex and utter pleasure loses its shine. Granted, it may be fun, but everything comes second-best to the One Who Fulfills All Who Seek Him. If it is hedonism I embrace, it will be hedonism in Him. I want to take joy in my Maker. After all, the root Hebrew word for 'knowing' God is the same as having sexual relations.
Same desires. Different avenues.
I have the urge to be dominated. If I strip off the societal constructs of my masculinity, then this urge originates from a spiritual need to be controlled by something higher than myself because I myself am inadequate. The immediate reaction to seek out some hunk who would use me as a piece of meat and bugger me no end in an act of submission on my part. In gay terms, I am a 'bottom'. I am somebody's butt boy.
This urge drives me to my knees. In this position, I got two choices, both acts of submission. One, is to generously blow the hell out of someone, giving him the ride of the lifetime as he hovers superior over me. Two, is to turn my face to heaven and prostrate before Him, and lay my weakness and humanity at His feet.
I have already made my choice, I rather be God's butt boy and get the reward of living the abundant life and knowing the meaning to existence. After all, the Westminster Cathecism proclaims, "The chief end of man is to glorify God and the enjoy Him forever." I say amen to that.